Burglaries & Boobytraps
Exterior; Food court at the Mall of Miami
Austin and Dez are sitting together at a table at the food court. Dez notices who he thinks is a girl that Austin likes at "Billl's Surfshop."
Dez: Don't look now, it's that cute girl from the bathing suit store. (Austin turns his head around) I just said don't look now!
Austin: When can I look?
Dez: When she's not looking. NOW! (Austin turns head) Wait, no, not now. NOW! (Austin turns head) Wait, no, not now. NOW! (Austin turns head) No, not now. NOW! (Austin turns head) No, not now. Now! Not now.
Austin: Ow, my neck!
The "girl" turns around and is revealed to be Billl himself, who waves an unseen person at the mall.
Dez: Oh, forget it. It's not her. It's that long-haired guy from the surf shop.
Austin's cell phone rings, with a ring tone of "Double Take." He sits in the chair and bops along to the song that made him famous before answering the phone.
Austin: Woah. Bruno Mars is doing a surprise show at the beach in ten minutes. Let's go.
Dez: Wait, don't you have practice with Ally at 4?
Austin: Oh yeah... What time is it now?
Dez: 4:30.
Austin: Well, I'm already late. We'll just work longer next time. Eh, she won't be mad at me.
Scene changes to Ally at Sonic Boom
Ally: I am SO mad at him!
Lester: (with a guitar behind the counter) What's wrong, honey?
Ally: Austin was supposed to be here two hours ago. And now I have to go the emergency Mall Association meeting. Everyone's freaking out about all the burglaries.
Lester: I know. Last week, someone stole a guitar pick! I-I'm just sick about it!
Ally: We give those away for free.
She holds up a fishbowl full of guitar picks with a handwritten sign reading "FREE!" taped on it. Suddenly a man in a FredEx uniform walks in with a gigantic box.
Delivery Guy: Delivery for Lester Dawson
Lester: Ooh. Me-me-me-me-me. (the man places the box on the counter and give him an electronic keypad to sign)
Delivery Guy: It's funny: When the guy at the coffee shop gives you coffee, and he gets a tip. And, how heavy is a cup of coffee? Not as heavy as all these boxes I carry.
Lester: You know right, you're right. It's not fair! You should get a job at the coffee shop.
Lester slaps him five. The delivery guy leaves with disappointment.
Ally: What'd you get?
Lester: A little something to help me catch the mall thief. A state of the art security camera.
The camera turns out to be old, and covered in dust and cobwebs. It looks like it hasn't been used since the 1980's at the very newest. Lester blows some of the dust off.
Ally: State of the art in what century? (coughs from the dust)
Lester: I'm going to go set this up. Would you please put that new guitar in the display case?
She does so, as Lester walks upstairs with the antique security camera. Cut to Trish walking into the frond door with a winter hat, scarves, and other accessories more appropriate for Boston than Miami.
Trish: Guess who got a job at... (whips one of her scarves around her neck) ..The Yarn Barn?! I spent my first day knitting this scarf instead of working.
Ally: That scarf would really come in handy,... if we didn't live in Miami.
Trish: Hey, aren't you supposed to be rehearsing with Austin?
Ally: He still hasn't shown up. This is the third this week he's been late.
Trish: Maybe he had an emergency.
Austin: (walking in with Dez) Hey, guys. We just went to an awesome concert.
Trish: At the emergency room?
Dez: No, at the beach. I think I still have some sand in my shoe.
Dez removes his shoe and dumps out more sand than physically possible.
Austin: That's a lot of sand.
Ally: I know about the Bruno Mars concert too, but I didn't go because we made a commitment to rehearse at 4 o'clock.
Austin: You can't set a time for creativity.
Ally: Yeah you can, it was 4 o'clock.
Austin: Well, I'm here now. We can rehearse all night.
Ally: We can't. I have a meeting. I'm tired of always doing things on Austin time. If you won't respect my time, how can we be partners?
Austin: I'm sorry, Ally.
Ally: I've gotta go. Come on, Trish. (grabs her scarf)
Trish: Austin, I'm so disappointed... (nearly chokes as Ally yanks her out the door) ..and now I'm leaving.
Dez: (O.S.) Hey, Austin. That was a lot of sand. (scene cuts to Dez with a sand castle in front of him) I built a sand castle.
Dez dumps one last pile of sand from his shoe. Austin smiles, impressed with his handy work.
Theme Song
Exterior; B-roll of Miami Beach, then of the Mall of Miami, and finally an interior shot of Sonic Boom.
Austin and Dez are standing around Sonic Boom
Austin: I feel bad about always being late. I want to make it up to Ally.
Dez: Give her a gift. I have just the thing; (removes something from his backpack, which turns out to be...) An Abe Lincoln ice sculpture. (as an added touch, he flops open a top hat and plops it on the ice sculpture's head.)
Austin: She does like honesty. No, I've got to give her something else.
Dez: I've got lots of ice sculptures in here. The Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower, the Grand Canyon... (he reaches in his backpack and find the other ice sculptures have melted.) Actually, never mind. (dumps the water from his backpack)
Exterior; B-roll of the Mall of Miami, then the food court
Numerous store owners and employees are gathered around the food court in front of Billl's Surfshop. Ally is at the podium about to open the meeting
Ally: (banging her gavel) The mall association meeting is now in session. (bangs her gavel again) Man oh, man, do I love gaveling. Does anyone have anything new to report concerning the burglaries at the mall? (random store owners raise their hands, but she notices Pirate Frank first) Yes, Pirate Frank. You had your hook up first.
Pirate Frank: Arrr! The scalawags stole the harpoon off the wall of me fish fry. (crowd groans)
Ally: Uhh, you're not at work. You don't have to talk in that weird voice.
Pirate Frank: What do ye mean? (Ally seems puzzled by his reply)
Billl: I have something to say. I don't want to make waves or anything, but...
Ally: What is it, Bill?
Billl: Actually it's "Billlllll," with three L's. Anyway, someone stole my boogie-board. (crowd groans) So not cooll.
Ally: Um, "cool" only has one L.
Billl: It's allllll good, Alllly.
Lester: What are we doing about my guitar pics? I mean, this is an outrage, people!
The crowd erupts in mutual indignation
Ally: (banging her gavel) Order in the food court! Order in the food court!
Cut to Trish, who is still covered in yarn, and sees that Ally is having trouble keeping order. She gets up and stands on what seems to be a chair.
Trish: BE QUIET!! (crowd stops. Trish turns to Ally.) Man, I love yelling.
Ally: As president of the Mall Association, I assure you, we're doing the best we can to catch the thief.
Lester: Well, your best isn't good enough!
Ally: Dad?!
Lester: Sorry honey. Love you.
Ally: Look, we filed a police report, but what if there was a reward? Every store in the mall can give free stuff to whoever catches the thief.
Pirate Frank: Great idea. I'll give a year's supply of food from me oyster bar.
Store owners: Yeah!
Billl: I'll throw in a free surfboard.
Store owners: Yeah!
Trish: I could give away free yarn. (crown groans in disappointment) Oh, but I'm sure I'll get fired soon and work in a store that has better stuff. (they cheer)
Ally: Great One last thing: I know this is kind of obvious, but until the thief is caught, the police suggested we shouldn't leave our stores unattended.
Crowd is silent for a moment; they then all run towards their stores
Exterior; B-roll of the Mall of Miami, and then an interior shot of Sonic Boom.
Ally is working behind the counter taking another delivery from the FredEx delivery guy, who now has a big necklace with a glass tip jar around his neck. Ally takes a delivery and hands the man his signature tablet.
Ally: Thanks.
The delivery guy pretends to be clearing his throat in order to get her attention, this time jangling that aforementioned tip jar in the process.
Ally: Here's a cough drop.
Delivery Guy: Thanks. (walks away)
Ally: You don't think I overreacted about Austin being late to practice, do you?
Trish: No. He was totally disrespectful of your time. He can't just do things when he wants to.
Ally: Thanks, Trish. Oh, did you pass out those rewards fliers like I asked you to?
Trish: No. I didn't want to.
Ally: Trish!
Trish: Sorry, I was taking a nap. It's this blanket I made. It's so soft, I just want to curl up and sleep every time I touch it.
Ally: I guess I'll just finish putting up these reward fliers myself.
Trish: You're pretty lucky. It seems like you're the only store in the mall who hasn't been robbed yet.
Ally: (scoffs) It's not luck, Trish. I've been watching this store like a hawk. There's no way anyone's gonna rob ol' Hawkeye Dawson... (suddenly notices...) Someone robbed me!
Trish: What?
Ally: The new guitar's gone.
Trish: Way to go, Hawkeye. Your dad put up the new security camera. Let's go check the footage. (both girls run upstairs)
Interior: Ally's Practice Room.
Ally and Trish run in.
Ally: We pulled the footage from the last 24 hours.
Trish: Good idea.
Cut to black and white video footage of the lobby of Sonic Boom. A customer leaves the store before Ally locks up.
Trish: Oh, there's someone.
That "someone" turns out to be Ally, who starts doing her usual goofy dance routine while "It's Me, It's You" plays in the background.
Ally: We can just skip that.
More black and white footage show somebody opening the front door without a key, dressed in a black hoodie. He later approaches the case with the guitar that was stolen.
Ally: This must be the theif.
Back to the black and white footage, where that person in the hoodie takes the guitar. He turns his head and reveals he's none other than Austin Moon, who continues to scope around after taking the guitar.
Trish: Austin!
Ally: No Way!
Back to the black and white footage, where Austin sneaks out from the back door with the guitar. He turns his head and takes some last looks before leaving. The camera pans to the right to reveal a blanket on an upright piano exposing Trish snoring as she sleeps under that blanket.
Ally: Trish!
Trish: I'm telling you. It's the blanket. Seriously, it's like sleeping on a cloud. Austin's the mall thief! We have to turn him in.
Ally: There must be some explanation. Austin may be late a lot, but he doesn't steal.
Trish: The crime is on tape! Well, there's two crimes. His stealing and your dancing.
Ally: Hey! Wait (takes the reward poster out of Trish's jacket pocket) I know why you want to turn him in. You just want the rewards from all the stores.
Trish: I am his manager and his friend. Do you really think I'd sell him out for a surf board, a tanning salon coupon, some sunglasses, a free massage chair, some jeans, a flat screen TV... (to herself, out loud) He's my friend. He's my friend. He's my friend.
Ally: Look, I know Austin, and there's no way he's a thief. I'm gonna give him a chance to explain himself.
Ally walks out. Trish takes another look at the rewards promised on the poster.
Trish: A FREE TRIP TO HAWAII?!?!?! I can always make new friends. I can always make new friends. I can always make new friends.
Exterior; B-roll of Miami Beach, then of a random Spanish-Mission-style suburban house, and finally an interior shot of Austin's bedroom.
Austin and Dez are in Austin's room, as Austin finished jamming on the "stolen" guitar.
Austin: Remember, you can't tell anyone about the guitar.
Dez: Your secret's safe with me.
There's a knock on the door.
Ally: (O.S.) Austin, it's Ally.
Austin: One second.
Austin and Dez both panic, Dez moreso than Austin who quickly puts the guitar in his closet.
Austin: Be cool.
Dez: Got it. Cool.
Austin opens the door, but as they both see Ally, Dez completely freaks out and screams as he runs out the door.
Austin: So, what's up?
Ally: Nothing. Just wanted to talk. (quickly looks through his top dresser draw, then closes it before he sees her)
Austin: Are you still mad about me being late?
Ally: Why? Is there something else I should be mad at you about?
Austin: No, just the late thing.
Ally: You got a lot of nice instruments in here. Get any new ones lately?
Austin: No.
Ally: Then what's this? (she yanks the bedsheet from his bed)
Austin: That was my made bed. Now I'm not going to get any allowance! Thanks a lot.
Ally: Sorry. You sure you don't have anything you'd like to tell me? Like, uh, some big secret?
Austin: (backed-up against his closet door) Uh-uh, my middle name's Monica.
Ally: What?
Austin: Nothing. Look, from now on, whenever you need me, I'm available. Just now right now, I'm not available. (shoves her out the door of his bedroom)
Ally: Wait, hold on! (Austin slams the door in her face)
B-roll of the Mall of Miami at night, then Interior; Sonic Boom
Ally walks through the back door with disappointment in her eyes. She passes by the grand piano, and notices Trish in one of her blankets from the Yarn Barn sleeping on it, using a violin as a pillow.
Ally: Trish!
Unable to get her attention, she bangs a gong next to the piano. Even that doesn't work. Finally she simply removes the blanket from her body, which suddenly wakes her best friend up.
Trish: (startled) Welcome to The Yarn Barn!
Ally: I just got back from Austin's and he totally lied to my face. I guess he really is the mall thief.
Trish: Then don't you think it's your duty as president of the Mall association to turn over the security tape?
Ally: I guess so.
Trish: Good. I'm glad you agree with me. I already turned in the tapes.
Ally: Why would you do that?
Trish: Two words "Re-wards."
Ally: Ooh. Maybe he can get out of this. He won't go to jail unless they actually catch him with the guitar.
Austin: (walking in with the guitar) Hi, Ally.
Ally: You're going to jail.
Trish: (pushing Ally aside to confront Austin) Do you have any idea what you've put us through? We've had to sit through boring mall meetings for you. Collect rewards...
Ally throws the blanket back over her, and she instantly falls to sleep on the floor.
Ally: So you're returning the guitar because you felt bad about stealing it?
Austin: I didn't steal it. I just borrowed it to get it autographed by Bruno Mars. I know how much you love him and I felt bad about being late.
Ally: (flattered) Austin, that's incredible.
Austin: I would have given it to you earlier, but I had to wait to get it autographed.
Ally: Thank you. I wish I knew this before. The mall association... thinks you're the thief.
Austin: What?!
Ally: Relax. I'll clear this up. The employees of this mall are some of the most rational and understanding people I know.
Angry Mob: (O.S., then at the door) We want Austin! We want Austin! We want Austin!
Ally: You'd better run.
He does, right up into the balcony to the practice room. Ally runs to the door and opens it in an attempt to reason with the angry mob of store owners, who enter Sonic Boom.
Angry Mob: We want Austin! We want Austin! We want Austin!
Pirate Frank: Arr! Where be Austin Moon?
Ally: Guys, calm down. I mean, seriously, pitchforks and torches?
Billl: We got them from the pitchfork and torch store.
Dez: (with his own pitchfork) We want Austin! - We want Austin! -
Ally: Dez!
Dez: We want Austin.
Ally: Why are you in the angry mob that wants to arrest Austin?
Dez: I thought this was a happy mob that wanted to hear Austin sing.
Pirate Frank: Where be the mall thief?!
Angry Mob: Yeah!
Ally: Look, a-Austin's not the thief. It was all a misunderstanding. He borrowed the guitar to get it autographed for me, see? (shows them the autographed guitar)
Pirate Frank: You're just covering for him because he's your Matey!
Angry Mob: Yeah!
Ally: No! No. It's the truth. Austin's not the thief, I swear! All he's ever stolen are the hearts of his fans.
Pirate Frank: Did you hear her? He steals people's hearts!
Angry Mob: Yeah!
Billl: We should, like, totally stop him before he, like, robs another store in the mal-ll!
Angry Mob: Yeah! We want Austin! We want Austin!
The angry mob leaves, except for Dez who stays in the store. Ally whips the blanket off of Trish, who instantly wakes up.
Trish: (yawns) What'd I miss?
Austin: (running down the stairs) So how'd it go with the mob?
Ally: I told them the truth, but they didn't believe me. They still think you're the mall thief.
Trish: Wait a minute, he's not the thief? (grabs a gift basket, and puts it behind her back, then turns to Austin) I never doubted you.
Ally: We need to clear your name.
Dez: All we need to do is find the real thief And fast.
Trish: Oh, but not too fast. I still have to cash in some rewards. (the other three look at her with revulsion) Come on, I'm not gonna throw away a coupon for free hair extensions.
Interior. Practice Room
Dez is playing with Trish's excessively long hair extension, placing one lock over his lips and chin, attempting to laugh like a pirate. Trish is annoyed, as expected, and yanks it out of his hand.
Trish: Gimme that.
Ally: Uh, can we just get back to trying to find the thief?
Austin: Okay. Here's what we know. (approaching a white board) So far, the thief has stolen an air conditioner, a boogie board, a cowboy hat, some-
Dez: I got it. He's a sweaty cowboy who loves to surf. Or he's a sweaty surfer who loves to rides horses. Either way, he is sweaty.
Ally: Wait a minute! The thief is stealing things in alphabetical order.
Austin: He's a Alphabet Bandit! If anyone asks I came up with that. Woot woot woot!
Trish: Nobody's going to ask that. Okay, so what was the last thing he stole?
Ally: An octopus from the pet shop. That means he's up to the letter "P."
Dez: Oh, no! (runs to his backpack and pulls a giant "P" from it) Oh, thank goodness. My "P." you're still here.
Austin: We need to set a trap.
Ally: Oh, I've got it! Can everyone be back at the store tomorrow night at 9:00?
Trish: Sure.
Dez: Yeah.
Austin: I'll be here.
Ally: That means 9:00 real time, not 9:00 Austin time.
Austin: Hey, that was the old me. I promise I'll be here on time.
Ally: Okay, here's the plan; We'll advertise a sale for everything that starts with "P." Piccolos, pianos, pan flutes. The thief won't be able to resist, and we'll catch him. It'll be the last "P" he ever takes!
The rest of Team Austin laughs at Ally's last sentence. Ally recognizes the bathroom humor and isn't amused.
Ally: (sarcastically) Very mature.
They ignore Ally's righteous indignation, and continue to laugh. Ally changes her mind about their attitude.
Ally: Okay, it is kind of funny.
Interior. Sonic Boom; Late night
Three members of Team Austin are preparing traps for the theif. Dez is playing with the piccolo they want to set up for the thief. Trish is struggling to lift a giant bird cage to the ceiling with a rope. Since Austin is nowhere in sight, Ally is in full panic mode.
Ally: Where is he? It's 9:30. I can't believe Austin is late again. He promised!
Trish: A little help?
Ally: Here we are trying to clear his name and, he doesn't even show up to help? What is his problem?
Trish: I've got a problem You're talking and I'm working!
Ally: Oh sorry, Trish. (she briefly tries to help, then turns to Dez) Where did you get this giant bird cage, Dez?
Dez: I used to have a pet ostrich until it ran away... (on the verge of tears) at 60.6 miles per hour.
Trish: I hope this works.
Ally: Oh, it will. The thief's gonna come in, see the piccolo, trip the wire, and get trapped in the cage. Can I get a what-what?
Trish: What?
Dez: What? I still think this trap is better.
Trish: A giant glue mouse trap?
Dez: No, a giant glue people trap. Its the more humane way to catch a human.
Ally: Is that pizza?
Dez: Yeah, it's delicious. And it starts with the letter "P."
Trish: Nobody would be dumb enough to step on a glue trap for a plain old slice of pizza.
Dez: Oh, you're right. I better put some parmesan cheese on it.
Dez flips around a plastic jar of parmesan cheese during the last part of this line, before trying to sprinkle some on the pizza. Unfortunately, in the process of doing so, he's about to step in his own trap. Ally tries to stop him, but it's no use.
Ally: Dez, No!
Dez: (realizing he made a huge mistake) Oh, no.
Trish: I was wrong. Someone is dumb enough.
Ally: Oh uh, Trish, throw him your hair. We'll pull him out.
Trish: (she does) All right, ready? One Two Three!
Not only does this not work, but Dez falls down on the rest of his glue trap, inches away from the pizza, which he can't get. To make matters worse, Trish and Ally go flying backwards. Ally lands right on the pin holding the rope that was supposed to trap the thief, which pops out of the beam, and instead traps her and Trish, who scream in panic just before the cage is about to land on them. They continue to scream after the cage lands.
Ally: That did not go as planned!
Trish and Ally plead for help from Dez, who is too busy trying to eat the slice of pizza he set as a trap. The thief arrives at the door in a black jacket, jeans and ski mask. He opens the door, looking for something to steal.
Trish: It's the thief!
Ally: My plan is working!
Trish: What?!
Ally: Sort of.
Dez: Hey, ski mask guy, can you help us?
Thief: Can't. Too busy stealing stuff. I would take that pizza, but there's no parmesan on it. So I guess I'll just take the piano.
The thief runs towards an upright piano belonging to Ally, who panics over his actions. Ally and Trish try to chase the thief around the store still trapped in the cage, but he goes behind the counter. Dez still wants to eat the pizza. They turn around futility pleading to the thief to let them capture him only to get stopped at the door by their cage.
Dez: Did you get him? Did you get him?
He still tries to eat the pizza, as if that'll somehow get him loose. The two girls turn around and look at him like the idiot that he is.
Exterior. Mall of Miami food court, nighttime
A FredEx trailer loaded with stolen goods sits in the mall, attached to some off-screen truck, with the door open, and a wooden ramp for loading heavy goods, like Ally's piano. The piano seems to play mysteriously, and the thief investigates as the camera pans to the left revealing that the trailer is next to "Billl's Surfshop." The thief removes his ski mask, revealing himself to the FredEx man who brought the antiquated security camera to Lester. The piano continues to play, and the top opens up. Austin who was hiding in the piano all along clonks him right in the head, and he falls to the ground.
Austin: Ha, gotcha! Wait, you're the delivery guy. You're the thief?! Why did you steal all this stuff?
Delivery Guy: Because nobody in the mall tips me. I should've gotten a job at the coffee shop.
The crooked delivery man finally passes out. Austin leaps out of the piano. Just then Ally and Trish arrive still trapped in their cage, and still dragging it around the mall.
Ally: Austin?
Austin: I caught the thief. It's the delivery guy!
Ally: How did you get him? Where were you?
Austin: I was hiding in the piano. I got to the store super early because I promised you I wouldn't be late.
Ally: Wait a minute, you weren't late? Told you, Trish.
Trish: Why didn't you come out of the piano earlier?
Austin: I was setting up a trap using your blanket to muffle the piano strings, but the second my face hit this blanket, I was out like a light.
Trish: I know, right?
Ally: I'm just glad we caught The Alphabet Bandit. Now all we need to do is get out of this cage, clear your name with the Mall Association and get a giant bucket of glue remover.
Austin: Glue remover? What for?
Dez arrives on the scene, still stuck to his giant human trap.
Dez: Hey, guys. What did I miss?
Exterior; Daytime B-roll of the Mall of Miami, then of the food court.
Ally is sitting at a table either doing homework, or writing in her songbook, then Austin approaches her.
Austin: Here, Ally. I want you to have this calendar. It has all the dates I'm available to work with you. (he sits down)
Ally: But it's blank.
Austin: You fill in the dates and whenever you need me I'm there. No more Austin time. From now on, it's Austin and Ally time.
Ally: Thank you, Austin. How's today at four?
Austin: Sorry today's no good. (Ally gives him a dirty look) Kidding. I'm kidding.
Dez and Trish approach the pop star and songwriter with a shopping cart full of gifts.
Dez: Since all four of us helped catch the thief, Trish is gonna share the rewards with us. Isn't she nice?
Trish: Okay, let's see. Ally, you take this really cool pen. I'll take this flat screen TV. Dez, you take this candle. I'll take this laptop. Austin you take this keychain. And I guess I'll take this trip to Hawaii. Aloha.
Trish walks away taking the shopping cart full of swag with her. Ally and Austin look at each other, baffled over the fact that they had such lame gifts. Dez's reaction, on the other hand, is a little bit different.
Dez: I got a candle!
(End credits show, End of Episode)
Soups & Stars/Transcript
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MyTAB & My Pet/Transcript

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