Filmmaking & Fear Breaking
Interior. Sonic Boom
Ally is sitting next to Austin in front of a piano at the store. Though some may find the scene romantic, they're merely challenging each other's musical skills.
Austin: Can you play this? (Plays an apparent non-descript classical music piece)
Ally: Oh, please. I can play that in my sleep. (pretends to yawn, and plays the same piece. Occasionally leaning into his shoulder.)
Austin: Can you play it this way? (puts one arm up behind his head in a standard rock star pose, and plays the melody with one hand)
Ally laughs with her mouth closed in a somewhat prissy manner. Then she picks up her cell phone and aims the camera at herself while playing the melody. Austin's phone buzzes.
Austin: (Reading Ally's text message) Yes, I can.
Trish: (Entering with Dez) Guess who got a job in Dez's movie.
Dez: That's right. I'm shooting my first big movie. It's about a giant sand crab that attacks Miami. I call it "Claws; ♫ DUN DUN DUN ♫!"
Ally: Ooh, Claws, I like that title.
Dez: It's not called "Claws." It's called "Claws: Dun Dun Dun."
Trish: Yeah, yeah. Who cares about the title or the stupid crab? My character's the real star: Girl #2.
Dez: Girl #2 gets eaten in the first scene.
Trish: What?!?!?! You didn't tell me that! If Girl #2 doesn't live until the end of the movie, neither will the director. DUN DUN DUN! ♫
Dez: Fine, your character won't get eaten until the end. But just so you know, I'm naming the crab "Trish." 'Cause it's mean, and everyone's afraid of it.
Trish: (Lovingly) Aww, Dez. That's so sweet.
Dez: (to Austin) You're gonna be in the movie too. You're going to play Troy - the handsome lifeguard who battles the crab and saves the town.
Austin: Awesome! Now I'm officially a quadruple threat! Actor, Singer, Dancer, and Ballooner.
Austin tries to make a balloon animal, and it actually turns out pretty good. Except for the fact that one end is upside down, which Dez notices and giggles about. Austin corrects his "mistake."
Dez: And Ally. That leaves just one role left. The cute songwriter who works at the local music store: Sally. I wrote it specifically for the most talented girl I know.
Ally: Dez, I'm flattered...
Dez: Not you. Selena Gomez. But she's unavailable, so... do you want to play the part?
Ally: As much as I appreciate being your second choice, I can't do your movie. I have stage fright.
Dez: But you have to. We start shooting tomorrow.
Trish: I'll play Sally.
Austin: How are you going to play two parts in the same movie?
Trish: It's easy. When I was in middle school I played three parts in the same play. It was a modern take on Romeo and Juliet, set as a love triangle in Miami.
Ally: I remember that play: "Romeo and Juliet - and Lupita."
Trish: Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? (changing to masculine voice) It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. (changing to a sassy latino woman) No te quiero cerca de mi novio!
The rest of Team Austin applaudes, and Trish takes some bows.
Theme Song
Exterior. Mall of Miami Food Court
Austin I still don't get why you can't be in Dez's movie. I know you have stage fright, but it's not like there's an audience. Just Dez and some actors.
Ally It doesn't matter. I still have to perform in front of people. I don't like that kind of pressure.
Austin But you have the most gruesome death in the movie. The crab rips you in half, and then your head gets to watch him eat your legs.
Ally (feigns excitement) No way! That changes everything!
Austin Really?
Ally No.
Austin (Approaching Dez with Ally) So how are the auditions going?
Dez Great. There's only one more role to cast.
Nelson arrives mysteriously dressed like a Christmas elf pulling a toy red wagon with a snowman.
Nelson I'm here to audition for Santa Claus!
Dez Nelson, the movie's called "Claws," not "Santa Claus."
Nelson Aww narts! You know how hard it was to build this (points to snowman) in Miami? (sadly drags his wagon away)
Trish (approaching the rest of the team) Dez, I hope you don't mind. I made some small changes to your script. Starting with the title.
Dez "Girl #2 versus... Claws."
Trish And, If you don't like that, we can always go with "Girl #2: The Movie."
Dez No! No, no, no, no, no! We're making the movie like I wrote it. This is my dream.
Ally I still want to help you on your movie, just not on camera.
Austin Hey Dez, let her do props. Didn't you say you needed someone to build you a miniature lighthouse?
Dez Yeah, but that's going to take hours and hours. I need someone with like, no social life.
Austin That's perfect for Ally!
Ally Hey, I have a social life! I'll have you know, I went to a party last year.
Trish It was Back to School Night.
Ally There were refreshments and teachers. That makes it a party.
Austin (nodding with Dez) No it doesn't.
Ally Okay, I'm your prop girl.
Austin So, what are you gonna do about Ally's part?
Dez I rewrote it. Now you just pull the girl out of the ocean, and give her mouth-to-mouth. (Cut to an image of an old lady and a young blonde woman sitting at a table) It's between those two actresses. I'm leaning towards Brittany, but Mildred's got some good acting chops.
Austin (frantic) Pick Brittany! Pick Brittany!
Dez Okay. The part's yours Brittany. You can go Mildred.
Brittany turns out to be the senior citizen. She silently cheers as Mildred gets up from her chair in disappointment.
Austin That's Brittany? (frantic) Pick Mildred! Pick Mildred!
Dez Oh, umm... scratch that. You're out Brittany. Mildred, you're back in!
Mildred almost leaves the scene and smiles as she returns to her seat, while Brittany stares in shock and leaves in a huff.
Exterior. Miami Beach; B-Roll then movie set for "Claws (Dun Dun Dun)"
Ally Here's your lighthouse Dez! I spent all night making it! (flips a switch and the light actually starts moving)
Dez This is amazing.
Ally Thank you. It took 7,000 toothpicks, 83 bottles of glue, and one trip to the emergency room to get a glued toothpick out of my nose, but it's done.
Dez Wow! It lights up, it spins around, and everything! I almost feel bad for cutting it out of the movie.
Ally Don't feel bad I kind of --- What?! You're cutting my prop?
Dez Ooh, yeah. We're not gonna shoot that scene so we don't need that lighthouse anymore. Man, isn't show biz fun? (Ally walks away with her lighthouse) Okay guys, we're shooting the finale first. Troy the lifeguard rescues the drowning girl from the ocean.
Nelson I'll save her.
Dez Woah! Nelson! You're not playing "Troy the Lifeguard." You're playing "Scared Little Boy."
Nelson No fair! I'm calling my agent. (picks up his cell phone) Hi... Mom!?!
Dez Okay. Austin, After you rescue the girl, Claws is gonna suddenly come up through the sand.
A prop man causes a giant crab claw to emerge from a dune behind an umbrella.
Austin (impressed) Woah! That thing looks scary!
Dez Yeah, but it's all special effects. That claw is perfectly safe.
Trish (O.S.) Help! Help! This stupid claw's got me! Oooh! Oooh! (Dez and Austin run up to her as she pretends to flop down in the claw) That was pretty good, right?
Dez Quit messing around, Trish. You don't get eaten by Claws. You just scream when it comes out of the sand.
Trish All I do is scream? What if I say (suddenly dramatic) "Claws, No! Don't eat my sister!"
Dez She's not your sister.
Trish Oh, I know. I thought it would be more dramatic if we were related. And then when the claw attacked her, I could cry in a close up. (fake sobbing) "Why? Why? Why did you have to take my sister? (fake sobbing resumes, then stops). I could amp it up more if you want.
Dez Hey, I am the director. Nobody comes onto my movie set and changes my script except for me. (to script girl) Alright you can change the line to "Why, why, why did you have to take my sister?"
Ally Maybe the line would work better if Trish was looking at a lighthouse, in the distance.
Dez Ooh, Sorry. No lighthouse. Okay, let's shoot this thing! (to Austin) Austin, when you save the girl, you're going to lay her down in the sand, under the umbrella.
Austin (somewhat nervous) Under the umbrella?...
Dez Under the umbrella. And, ACTION!
Austin (as Troy) I'll save you!
Mildred (O.S.) AHH, HELP! (SCREAM)
Austin ("Troy" pulls his shirt off and rushes off-screen to rescue Mildred, He returns with the damsel in distress cradled in his arms) You're okay. I'm gonna put you on the sand. Nothing bad can happen to you on the sand. (nervously breaking character) Are you sure it has to be under the umbrella?
Dez CUT! (to Austin) Uhh, yeah. It has to be under the umbrella.
Austin I can't do your movie. Sorry, Dez. (drops Mildred right on her butt!) Sorry, Mildred! (runs from the beach)
Dez Did he just say he can't do my movie?
Trish What was that about?
Dez Maybe he caught stage fright... from Ally.
Ally Stagefright's not contagious.
Dez (Appearing with a small facemask) Just in case... (grabs his scarf, then whips it around behind his back, hitting Ally and Trish in the face)
Interior. Ally's practice room
Austin is strumming a tune on an acoustic guitar. Ally walks in behind him, opening then closing the door. He stops playing.
Ally Hey, why did you run off like that? It's almost seemed like you were afraid to go under the beach umbrella.
Austin That's ridiculous. I mean, who's afraid of umbrellas?
Ally I know. That would be weird, right?
Austin That's not weird.
Ally No way. You're afraid of umbrellas.
Austin I know you are, but what am I?
Ally You're afraid of umbrellas.
Austin Okay, fine. I'm afraid of umbrellas. Go ahead, laugh. I know you think its silly.
Ally Whaaaaat? I don't think its silly. I'm afraid of umbrellas too. Every time I see an umbrella I'm like... Aaah, umbrellas are so scary.
Austin Nice try. You don't know how tough it is. Umbrellas are everywhere. Patio umbrellas, rain umbrellas, tiny umbrellas they put in fruit drinks...
Ally Oh, you mean like this?
Ally picks up a glass with a fruit drink and a tiny umbrella, causing Austin to shriek girlishly.
Ally Ooh, I'm sorry. Why are you afraid of them anyway?
Austin Can you keep a secret?
Ally Who would I tell? I go to one party a year.
Austin Fine. It happened in fourth grade....
Austin's flashback begins; Exterior shot of the beach from roughly six years earlier. Fourth grade Austin and Dez are standing near a sand dune.
Austin (Narrating) We were on a field trip to the beach, and brought umbrellas in case it rained.
Young Dez Someday, I'm gonna make a movie about a giant sand crab (imitates the musical sting from "Jaws.")
Young Austin Someday, I'm gonna be an overnight internet sensation. Hey, Dez, check it out I'm gonna jump off that sand dune, and see if I can fly.
Young Dez How're you gonna do that, Austin?
Young Austin With my umbrella.
Young Dez I'm gonna go get my camera off the bus to film this.
Austin (Narrating) The umbrella got stuck in my belt loop. A gust of wind came and the umbrella flew away with my pants.
We see a close-up of Young Austin with a pair of green boxer underwear with childish looking trucks on it, something more suited for a kid under the age of five. The rest of the class sees Austin and starts laughing and pointing at him, including the teacher who struggles to contain her own laughter.
Austin (Narrating) All the kids laughed at me. I was humiliated.
Young Austin runs away on the verge of tears, and Dez returns with a VHS-C type video camera.
Young Dez Hey, look! Flying pants!
The kids and teacher continue to laugh at Austin. The flashback ends and we return to the Sonic Boom practice room/office.
Ally Well, now I know why you're afraid of umbrellas.
Austin I've never been more embarrassed in all my life. That's why I've never told anyone that story before. Not even Dez knows I'm afraid of umbrellas.
Ally Well, your secret's safe with me.
Dez (walking by toward the fridge) What secret?
Austin and Ally both stammer as they try to come up with a good cover story. During the scene, we also see Trish standing by the door.
Dez I'm waiting.
Ally Austin's caught my stage fright.
Dez I knew it was contagious! (to Austin) Austin, you've got to come back to my movie! Come on, Austin, I need you! This movie could get me to my first film festival. You know... that's my dream.
Austin I know. Count me back in. I won't let you down, buddy.
Dez Great. See you guys at the beach. (starts to run out then stops to turn around) Oh, and before I forget. Ally, I need you to make one of these claw crackers for the movie. (gives her one as an example)
Ally That shouldn't be too hard,...
Dez It's got to be five feet tall and I need it in one hour. See ya guys. (runs out again)
Exterior. Mall of Miami: Standard B-rolls, then Food Court
Austin What am I gonna do, Ally? Dez is counting one me.
Ally I've got a plan. You're afraid of umbrellas because you connect them to a bad memory. To overcome that fear, you have to connect them to a good memory. From now on, whenever you think of umbrellas, you're gonna think of your three favorite things.
Austin (excited) Pancakes, cheerleaders, and LeBron James?
Ally Exactly.
Ally gestures toward a table with a patio umbrella leaning over it from one side, with a serving plate of pancakes, two cheerleaders, and the back of an Afro-American in a black chauffer's uniform.
Austin (much more impressed) You got LeBron James?
Ally No, but I got his Limo Driver.
The limousine driver salutes Austin, by tipping his hat.
Ally All you have to do is sit under the patio umbrella, and make a good memory.
Austin (nervously) I can do that. Yeah.
Ally nudges him towards the table with the umbrella, trying to give him some confidence, even making a weird noise along the way.
Ally You're doing great.
Ally finally gets him to sit down between the chauffer and the cheerleaders, right under that big red umbrella with the serving of pancakes right in front of him.
Ally There you go. See?
Austin fist-bumps the chauffer, but still nervously looks at the umbrella looming above him. Ally gives him a thumbs-up, and the cheerleaders shake their pom-pops at him. Austin starts to think things are going to turn out alright after all. A bit of thunder starts rumbling in the distance.
Austin (nervously) I think this is gonna work.
That thunder gets a lot louder, as Ally realizes that another one of Florida's infamous quick-moving storms is putting her plan in big trouble.
Ally Uh-Oh. Looks like it's gonna rain.
The storm knocks over the table, and the umbrella behind him. The cheerleaders and the chauffer back away
Austin (shouting above the storm) This was supposed to be a good memory!!
Another red umbrella is blown by the wind towards Austin.
Austin (almost O.S.) IT'S CHASING ME!!! AAAAAAH!!
A short scene of Austin running away from the umbrella off-screen then coming back. The chase ends when Austin is pinned against a wall by the umbrella. Ally runs up to him.
Austin Umm, Ally. I think I'm still afraid of umbrellas.
Ally Well, at least you still have your pants on this time.
When Austin tries to get out from the umbrella, his pants are ripped off once again. And just like when he was nine we see him wearing a pair of boxers with trucks on them. Unlike when he was nine, it's the cheerleaders LeBron's limousine driver, and others in the mall who laugh at him. Nevertheless he grabs a food tray to cover his boxers and runs away in embarrassment.
Interior; Sonic Boom
Trish I can either scream like this (delivers a high-pitched scream), or like this (screams the same way).
Dez They both sound the same.
Trish The second one was in Spanish.
Dez Oh. (Austin & Ally approach) You guys ready to shoot this scene?
Austin I don't know, Dez. It looks like it's gonna rain.
Dez No problem. (picks up an umbrella hat behind the counter of Sonic Boom) We have these. (put it on his head)
Austin (quite nervous, petrified, and sarcastic) Oh, yay.
Trish I didn't sign up for shooting in the rain. I'm just going to use my stunt double.
Ally You have a stunt double?
Cut to the revelation that her stunt double is Brittany, with a long black curly wig, and the exact outfit Trish is wearing, then back to Team Austin.
Trish There's a scene where Claws tosses me off a 30 foot cliff. Better her than me. (Ally looks in bewilderment over her callousness, as Trish approaches the old lady) So Brittany, how do you feel about cliff-diving? (they walk out the door)
Austin Hey, Dez. What if we shoot the movie without any umbrellas?
Dez You can't. It's symbolic. Umbrellas protect people from rain, and your character protects Miami from Claws' (briefly menacing) reign of terror! You are, (faux Latino accent) an umbrella! (back to normal) See you guys down at the beach. Whoo! (runs out the door)
Austin (walking towards one of the pianos) I don't know what to do, Ally? I should just tell Dez I can't do his movie. I'm never gonna get over my fear.
Ally Yes you are. I think I'm ready to tell you how I got my stage fright.
Austin Really?
Ally Yeah. I don't want you to keep going through what I go through. It happened a couple of years ago...
Ally's flashback begins. Interior: Sonic Boom, Two years earlier; A young light-skinned Afro-American girl with thin glasses and her hair pulled back in a ponytail is finishing off a tune on the piano. Ally, who's next in line, doesn't look that much different than today, other than the fact that she herself is also wearing glasses, albeit with thicker frames.
Ally (narrating) I was auditioning to get into a prestigious music school in New York. They sent a scout down to Florida, and my dad lent the new Sonic Boom to hold auditions.
MUNY Scout Well, that was, HORRENDOUS! (Ally looks startled) May I suggest a career at smashing watches? Because you're good at wasting time. Next! (The girl walk away seemingly on the verge of tears. Ally takes her place) Well, I hope you're better than the last girl, Miss, um Dawson. You know getting into this school could make or break your entire music career. (sneering) Don't blow it! (back to normal) You may begin.
Ally (narrating) I was so afraid of ruining my one chance, I lost it.
Ally's hands tremble nervously, then suddenly the keyboards sprout TEETH, and start chomping at her! Terrified, Ally backs away toward the counter of Sonic Boom! Nobody helps her, and to make matters worse, everyone around her just laughs and comments about her instead while she scream in horror! Just as it seems it's going to be all over for the songwriter, her screaming fades as she realizes the whole piano monster was nothing but a figment of her imagination!
"Young" Ally (meekly) So, um... Do-overs?
The scout clearly checks her off his list. Ally's flashback ends.
Ally Anyway, I didn't get in. That's why I have stage fright. You only get so many chances to make it and I don't want to fail again. If I don't perform, I can't fail. (Ally walks away and goes back to work behind the counter)
Austin (Momentarily stunned) Wow, Ally. I'm just afraid to be embarrassed again. Your fear is way worse than mine.
Ally That's kinda why I told you the story.
Austin Like ten times worse. I mean, my umbrella fear doesn't stop me from chasing my dreams. But your stage fright? Wow. You're a mess.
Ally (subtlety trying to get him to stop) Okay, I get it.
Austin Thanks for making me realize how silly my fear is. I'm gonna do Dez's movie. It's only one little umbrella. I can totally do this.
Cut to the beach set, which is now cluttered with umbrellas. Ally has the giant claw cracker she promised Dez. Austin is petrified, and Ally is concerned over his fears.
Austin That's not one little umbrella! I can not totally do this!
Ally You're gonna be fine.
Dez (approaching the star and the prop girl) Okay, let's shoot this thing. (to Ally) Oh, by the way, we're not gonna need the claw cracker. Ugh!
Ally Of course we're not.
Dez Maybe you can use it to crack something else.
Ally Oh, I have something in mind. (Shoots a threatening look at Dez, who cringes briefly.)
Dez Okay, Austin. Mildred is under that umbrella, unaware Claws is behind her. You have to run through this maze of umbrellas, and battle him to the death with this oar.
Austin (grabs the oar) This or what?
Dez This oar.
Austin This or, what?
Dez This oar.
Austin Or, what?
Dez Just fight him with the paddle. Okay, places! And ACTION!
Trish (as "Girl #2," overacting) Aaaah, It's Claws! Don't eat my sister! Whyyyyyy?!
Nelson (as "Scared Little Boy") RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Trish, Nelson, and the other extras scatter from the beach set. The dramatic music that would be in that scene plays in the background as "Troy" rushes toward the monster crab, dodging the row of umbrellas every chance he gets. Once he gets close enough to the claw, which hovers above Mildred as she non-chalantly sits on a blanket reading a magazine and wearing a bulky pair of headphones, we hear him say another line.
Austin (as Troy) Get off my beach, Claws!
"Troy" whacks the claw with the oar, but it breaks. Austin still remains in character.
Austin (as Troy) I'm not scared of you, Claws!
Austin scrambles to find something to use as a weapon. He picks something up which much to his displeasure, turns out to be an umbrella. Momentarily he seems to break character.
Austin I'm not scared of anything!
Cut to Ally in the background, who smiles with the realization that he may be telling the truth. Back to the beach set where Austin beings fighting the crab somewhat martial-arts style. Cut to the interior of Sonic Boom where Team Austin is watching this scene continuing, all having a good time while they review the movie. Back on the screen, "Troy" is about to defeat the monster, who's weakness from the fight is revealed when the claw lays on the beach. The camera cuts back up to "Troy", who's about to say the cheesiest line of the movie.
Austin (as Troy) Looks like we're having crab... for dinner!
Troy delivers the final stabbing blow, causing the claws innards to get splattered all over him from head to toe. He grabs the umbrella and walks away triumphantly, as the claw-shaped caption "The End" fades onto the screen. Team Austin applauds.
Austin This is so awesome!
Ally Yeah, Dez.
Dez Thanks, guys. I got accepted into the Miami Film Festival.
Team Austin cheers for Dez, again.
Trish I just got my first acting agent.
Ally Who?
Trish Me. (starts handing out publicity photos to the rest of the team)
Dez My favorite part was when you battled the crab with that umbrella. I can't believe you did that, especially since you're so scared of umbrellas.
Austin You knew about that?
Dez Uh, yuh-huh! I'm your best friend. I know all your secrets. Like your middle name is Monica, and you only wear boxers with trucks on them...
Austin Dez!
Ally If you knew Austin was afraid of umbrellas, then why did you put them all over your movie set?
Dez Because, an awesome director knows how to get real emotion out of people. I made Austin scared, Trish annoyed, and you angry.
Ally I'm not angry.
Dez I didn't put any of your props in that movie.
Ally (furious) I know. How could you do that?
Dez See? Awesome director.
Trish You annoyed me on purpose? You shouldn't have done that!
Grabs the giant claw crackers Ally made earlier and starts walking towards Dez. Austin blocks his escape inadvertently at first, then deliberately; pushing one hand on Dez's shoulder to Trish can get him. Scene fades to black.
Beginning of a series of gag reels involving the making of "Claws: Dun Dun Dun," all exterior shots of the beach set. Ally has a clapper in front of the shot.
Ally Claws: Dun Dun Dun, Scene 56, Take 17. (Clap)
Trish What if I do this scene as "Gloria?" (in a sassy tone) Crab, you best step away from my sistah!
Ally sneaks up behind her with the lighthouse Dez rejected earlier.
Dez CUT! Ally! No lighthouse!
Cut to Nelson's scene.
Nelson (as "Scared Little Boy") IT'S SANTA CLAUS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Dez CUT! It's just "Claws," Nelson.
A life-size rubber doll dressed like Trish falls from the sky in front of Austin. We hear Trish screaming to her death, then see the doll get up, and it's Brittany.
Dez That was Perfect, Brittany! You just have to jump off that cliff... five more times. Whoo! (Dez trots off screen, and Brittany looks at Austin as if working for Dez isn't worth the effort.)
Cut to Austin's rescue of Mildred. "Troy" runs on-screen from the beach with the girl in his arms.
Austin (as "Troy") You're okay. I'm gonna put you in the sand. Nothing bad can happen to you in the sand.
Ally sneaks behind "Troy" and the damsel-in-distress placing her lighthouse in the shot again.
Dez CUT! (to Ally) Ally, I said no lighthouse!
A dejected Ally pouts, as she flips the switch off on her lighthouse and walks off the set.
All subsequent scenes are of Austin/Troy paraphrasing various movie characters before killing the monster crab.
Austin (as "Detective Roger Murtaugh" from the "Lethal Weapon" series) I'm getting too old for this crab. (Austin kills the crab)
Cut to the next take.
Austin (as "Detective Harry Callahan" from "Sudden Impact.") Go ahead Claws. Make my day. (Austin kills the crab)
Cut again.
Austin (as "Cyberdine Systems Model T-101" from "Terminator 2: Judgment Day.") Hasta la vista, crabby. (Austin kills the crab)
Cut again.
Austin (as "Darth Vader" from "Star Wars: Episode #5: The Empire Strikes Back." Fakes asthma attack) Crab, I am your father. (Austin kills the crab)
Cut again.
Austin (as "Lt. Col. Kilgore" from "Apocalypse Now!") I love the smell of crab meat in the morning. (Austin kills the crab)
Cut again.
Austin (as "Tony Montoya" from the 1983 remake of "Scarface," with a fake Cuban accent) Say hello to my little umbrella.
Austin spins the umbrella around before he kills the crab, staring off into the Atlantic Ocean looking like a freeze-frame from a 1970's Hong-Kong based martial arts movie.
(End Credits shown. End of episode).
myTAB & My Pet/Transcript
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